Lucidity.

Feeling hopeless, sick, and alone is an unpleasantly humbling experience...

A dark place to be... It shows you a lot about yourself.

It also puts forth some scary thoughts. I really don't miss that part of my life, also known as depression.
Luckily, that also helped me to see how much I didn't want to be depressed.

I tend to bury myself in work or other mind numbing, pleasure avoiding tasks to avoid feeling helpless... And, damn, it works well.

I've realized a lot about my emotions and desires this week, as well as some shitty qualities that I possess, and how to attempt to get rid of them.

Oh yeah, I suppose I should clarify with a short-term time-line.
Jan. 31, Josh breaks up with me.
Feb. 8, canceled work at Benihana for other job
Feb. 13, start to get sick
Feb. 14, work at Fort St. Brewery, get a voice message 2 hours after my shift, call back, wait 10 minutes on phone to get fired for no reason.
Feb. 15, get certified mail saying that I go into tax foreclosure at the end of February. yay. over $1.9k

I really felt like shit for a few days, I felt like everything was crumbling around me and it wasn't worth fighting for.

Feb 17th, have issues with an online class professor, also pick up my last paycheck from Fort St. B. Things seem dismal, but I try to be semi-optimistic, had a few drinks.

Feb. 18th, great day at work, despite small amount of drunken sleep, had a table leave $310 in tips for $400 check; $200 for the chef (I get 50%) $110 for me, (I get 35%) Also, all my other tables are gratuity, or tip better than 20%. 4 people quit this week. Benihana asks me to come back more hours a week (full time, perhaps?). I was supposed to work only lunch, which was o.k. in its self, but picked up the dinner shift. Also picked up Sunday.Made enough money, and good news to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyways, I have more big days ahead of me... and hopefully, a full schedule next week with work. But I'm happy, even though it was unpleasant, that I was able to see myself through a very bad few days... I just hope that I can pull myself out of this rut sooner or later.

I feel hopeful, independent and I'm getting healthier :D (as my nose drips... le-sigh..)