I guess that I should preface this with two things:
1. I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
2. I am slightly intoxicated.
So, I tend to over-analyze things which often gets me into some trouble. I read into every subtle nuance. Body language, spoken language, and pretty much any other sort of reaction....
This is important for why events have unfolded the way they have tonight.
So, I really like this guy.... It's rare for me to have feelings like this, and they make me fucking nervous. Everything is approached with caution; I don't want to scare him away, but at the same time I want to be myself as much as possible. Unfortunately, as one may be able to tell by my blog, I have no trouble giving out TMI. This is a downfall, I know... I try to work on it.... Anyways, I digress.... So I like this guy, and last night, I felt something go awry. Now, My gut usually doesn't lie to me.... Today it gets worse, even though I see him, it feels detached.
Then I start getting stir crazy, and go do karaoke with my room mate. After a while, I finally decide to do an easy song, start off well, and end up shaking so hard that I can't finish alone..... I effectively have an anxiety attack on stage, and being the center of attention perpetuates the problem....
So, emotions..... Anxiousness, fear, being enamored, happy; they sort of suck.... It almost seems like risking the negative outcome isn't worth the positive outcome.
I also realized that I'm scared of being alone. I like consistency; I need honesty..... I enjoy the freedom and lack of pain that comes with being single, but on the flip-side, I enjoy the predictability and trust that comes with a relationship....
My room mate suggests I should start my life all over in a dramatic path, like joining the Peace Corps or military... It sounds all to tempting.... I've been considering it for a while....
Side note: It HAS been a while since posting here.... While I'm not really pleased with this post, I need to get it out before I sleep. I'll be back soon to write more..... If not, I guess everything must be alright.... Right?
.--------I posted this, and just as I finished, the song that reminds me of him most plays..... FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---------------------------------------------
I can't catch a break, yo. :*(
